Why is Having Long-Distance Relationship Freaking Tiring?

Source: Personal Archive

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight, out of mind.

The writing this time is just me ranting about my long-distance relationship (LDR) situation with my new husband. I’m not sure if the quote above is well-reflecting the current circumstance. Us having a long-distance relationship is actually nothing new. We have been doing this for years but somehow still managed to maintain our relationship, we eventually tied the knot in the midst of corona crisis, so it’s not that bad, right? Maybe because it was very exciting at the beginning, but now life puts us in a rather difficult situation. The corona crisis is sadly the reason why, among other things. With this happening in the middle of our newly wedded journey, we had to be prepared about the fact that we might not be able to see each other again in several months ahead, if not years.

Anyhow, without the corona crisis, I’ve heard a lot about failed LDR stories. Well, maybe not ‘failed’, it just did not work out well for both parties, so to speak.

So, I go a bit into the most rational and realistic grounds of why having LDR can be very tiring even when none of the parties cheat on each other and how we can survive it. Here I am going to break down some real-life cases about what went wrong in LDR to be able to investigate the factors affecting the decision to end a relationship (I leave out ‘cheating’, by the way, because I want to focus on personal factors) and how to maintain LDR.

LDR REQUIRES MORE EFFORT

“The worst thing about long distance relationships is that they take a lot more effort than regular relationships. I'm not saying relationships, in general, aren't difficult to handle. When you are missing all those things that make love simple like holding hands, hugging or just hanging out, you have to compensate with a whole lot of time, words of affirmation, genuine one-on-one communication, and many other things. With time, the imminent happened. As we both got older, our responsibilities in our personal lives grew. “

Krissia Castillo from theodysseyonline.com

Is it true that a long-distance relationship requires a lot more effort than any common relationship? Well, having experienced that myself I have to agree on that. All the simple acts of love have to be compensated with investing more time (let alone the time differences), words of affirmation, genuine communication and so on which can be burdensome when I have some adulting to do on my own. This is also confirmed in a study by Sahlstein (2004) where some couples felt like when they were away from each other, they spent time thinking and missing each other, trying to plan a perfect weekend together when the time could have been used for doing something productive otherwise. It demonstrates that LDR can be very energy-intensive and we can get tired of it just to think about how to make our partner happy.

IS THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY A GOOD SOLUTION?

“We had been seeing each other so often each month that travel expenses were starting to add up. This meant that we decided to start cutting down our time together until we were seeing each other just once a month… And, as we got used to it, the Skype calls lessened. The texts became sparse. Arguments started and caused us to become distant – with the trust we once had lessening due to the lack of communication.”

Hattie Gladwell from metro.co.uk

Ugh… I hate to say that I can completely relate to her story. We both were so over the moon in the beginning so we were fine with giving up some extra money to make up the time we had to be away, the travelings, the dates, and the list go on and on. But now that we are even further, 15 hours away by plane, traveling twice a month is no longer an option. Thus, we started to use these interactive media technologies such as Skype and Whatsapp to communicate.

We are thankful for those technologies but it somehow just doesn’t help so much with maintaining a long-distance relationship. We still argue and the effort to set up a time when we are both available is just… tiring! And setting up the calls means that I have to be ready and happy to get to talk with my plus one, but in fact, I’m really exhausted. It starts with building up the mood, telling stories of what’s going in during the course of our life while we’re away, checking on the family members, and all the small talks that probably not every introvert is keen to do.

It’s the fastest shortcut to let the relationship fall apart, indeed, since according to the uncertainty reduction theory “in order to maintain a relationship, relational partners have to manage their uncertainty by constantly updating their knowledge of themselves, their partners, and their relationship” (Berger & Bradac, 1982 in Dainton & Aylor, 2001). In my case, the more communication I have to make with my partner, the more exhausting I am. So I would really like to know if there is a way to cope with LDR without draining my energy.

SUGGESTED WAYS TO SURVIVE LDR

I believe there is always a way, if not thousands, to patch that flaw in a relationship. When we decide to create that bond, we know there is a commitment to make. However, we have to genuinely think of it as a journey to grow together while being apart because, without that mindset, a love story can just be history. We both love each other and we want to make it work, so how can we find a common ground to go through that?

MAKE COMMUNICATION OPTIONAL

I actually really love this idea by Mark Manson. I’m totally in for being spontaneous and organic calls. We should talk with our partner when we want to, not because we have to.

“And if that means going a couple of days without communicating, then so be it. People get busy, after all; and periodically having a few days to yourself is actually pretty healthy.”

I don’t want to feel obligated to talk with my partner or to get overexposed over a topic I don’t want to engage in. I don’t want to half-ass this relationship and neither does my partner. When we are forced to communicate, it can create an impression that we are obligated to comfort each other through phone calls and consequently sparks a fight over who’s sacrificing more. By giving some space, you have time for yourself and the next time you’re on the call with your partner, you’ll have more to talk about, and both will find themselves happy.

“However, if you find that your partner feels as though he only wants to talk less and less than the regular calls unsolicitedly, that is both the cause AND the effect of him feeling more distant which is worth talking about and being honest about.”

I'm taking serious notes on that. Being honest is all that matters.

THE DISTANCE SHOULD ONLY LAST TEMPORARILY

Togetherness is the ultimate key to a successful relationship and this often means a physical presence of your plus one around you. In a long-distance relationship as it may sound, being physically absent is somehow acceptable. This, however, should not last for long. In the end, a relationship should be maintained physically and emotionally altogether because love is an expression to show that you truly care about your partner, that you are there for them selflessly.

IS HE/SHE WORTH MY EFFORT?

Ask yourself this question every now and then you start to doubt your relationship. Is your partner really worth your time, energy, and effort? At this point, recall all the times why you are together in the first place and how you would picture your future with your partner in it.

For me, my husband is one of a kind. Despite his insensitiveness towards small issues that happen around me, his so-not-funny jokes, his tendency to be a people-pleaser person, or his clumsy approach when helping out in the kitchen (he’s a great cook, by the way!), he probably only wants me to be comfortable on my own knowing that interaction with people stresses me out and he wants to stay out of it when he knows he might not be of help, or to entertain me although it’s not up to my standard of a joke. At least he's trying. When we’re in a distance, he always makes time to call and demonstrates the quality of a supportive partner.

All in all, I deeply understand that he only wants me to be happy and it would be tough for me to find someone like him again. Furthermore, it’s just not fair if I want it to be done my way without compromising with my partner. If something goes wrong with the relationship it’s probably just me holding to my grudge. As a side note, no one is perfect and neither your partner is. So it’s the two of you who should work it out together and find out if the efforts worth both of your futures.

IN THE END, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU

A relationship is complicated and messy and it takes two to tango. It needs a lot of understanding and compromising and only you two can decide. In the end, what works for me may not work for you and vice versa.

If you find it hard to cope with the distance, what you should look into first is yourself. What has this experience taught you about? Are you aware of your self-worth? Can you stand up for yourself before anyone else? If that is the case, you probably need to love and trust yourself more before loving anyone else again. Good luck with your LDR!